I love going to industry conferences and trade shows. Since I work from home, seeing the faces of the people I write for and about fills my cup. It reminds me why this matters.

It also terrifies me. Why? I’m really good at being afraid of the unknown.

You see, deep down I’m an introvert. I’m a homebody, quiet, I prefer an evening on the couch with a book over a social function. I think I’ve figured out why: It’s safe at home. I know exactly what to expect, and I can largely control the variables.

Out in the wild? The anticipation of everything that could go wrong plays out in my head before I’m even there. I imagine an awkward encounter with a stranger, food in my teeth, a stain on my shirt, tripping on air, and the list goes on.

At the heart of it is the fear of what others will think of me. I worry about having the wrong response to something, of looking or sounding stupid, embarrassing myself or others. I let my inner thoughts and anxieties win most of the time (A therapist once told me to name my inner critic to take away its power. I named mine Frank.)

But you know what? It turns out almost everyone has those exact same fears and insecurities. That’s what makes us human.

At last year’s NAPT ACTS conference, the keynote was exactly the message I needed to hear. Darryl Bellamy Jr. tackled a topic that really hit home: fear.  

Bellamy taught us about the fear loop. He told us that we have to learn how to release emotions to move past them.

One group exercise was unexpectedly powerful. Bellamy asked everyone to write down a fear that is holding them back from being their best. We all jotted down our fears on small cards, brought them up to the stage, and placed them in a bowl.

Then, he read some responses out loud. New fear unlocked of my own fear no longer being a secret. But what happened next shocked me. So many other responses sounded eerily similar to my own.

Others wrote that they fear not being good enough, of disappointing their family and co-workers, of being too timid, living a life without purpose, not fitting in, not accomplishing enough, not knowing enough, not meeting others’ expectations, being misunderstood, and failing. (That “not being good enough” sentiment was expressed a lot.)

Here’s the thing. Sure, I knew that others had similar fears and feelings. But what I didn’t expect was just how many people felt exactly the same way.

I looked around the room. It was filled with people I viewed as highly accomplished, bright, leaders who are more than good enough. They’re so good that I felt inadequate in their presence!

But then Bellamy tied it all together. “The fears we hide are often the ones that connect us the most,” he said. “The human experience is universal,” he reminded. “Fear is not the enemy; inaction is,” he shared.

He asked us to think about what we’d do if we failed. (Envisioning the worst and planning for it in a real-world scenario also takes away its power, because it teaches us we can handle it.)

He reminded us to live without regret and to give ourselves grace. Two things I can never hear enough.

“You don’t have to be fearless; you just have to fear less.”

He asked us to think about what we’ve missed out on because we were fearful. Yikes..

Despite years of therapy and a completed workbook on assertiveness, I still find myself afraid to speak up. But, something shifted over time. I had burnt out giving so much of myself to a former job where that same care and concern was not returned. My version of “snapping” turned out to be a form of assertiveness. I had no energy left for fear. 

I started questioning unclear expectations and confusing processes. Speaking up and trusting my voice became easier than I realized. Sometimes, the stakes just have to change for you to realize you can actually overcome what holds you back. (Practice also helps.)

You know what else? Even though I still have a minor panic attack before most social situations, I almost always end up having a fantastic time. Almost none of the things I imagined actually happened. (Bellamy even shared that only 15% of fears come true; and of those, 75% provide valuable learning opportunities.) Now, conversations recharge me and make me feel connected to something bigger. And that is even more powerful than fear.

The more we realize when voices like Frank are in our head, and remember that they’re also in everyone else’s head, the more we can move past them.

There was real power in the ballroom at that conference. Turns out, it's not about eliminating fear; it's realizing we’re not alone in it.